Finding myself again at 28... but who is Shonteera Haas?

Growing up is such a strange feeling. You're going through the motions already at a young age and for me, it was middle school. I was always "the follower", not the leader. Which, in some cases, was not good. I wanted to be accepted by not just my friends, but honestly everyone. 90% of middle school was agreeing with things or doing things that I didn't actually agree with, just to be accepted. The other 10%? Was when I was home and around my family that I truly acted like myself.

High school, I was slightly better about trying to be myself and accepting the fact that I maybe wouldn't please every single person that I came across. The hardest thing for me during this time was thinking that I absolutely needed to have a boyfriend. I grew up watching my siblings find their high school sweethearts and eventually marrying them, I thought that's what my main goal of high school was. Which, girls? Let's be honest... you don't need a relationship at this age. Our brains are not even close to being fully developed to truly understand how a relationship works, especially a healthy relationship. I developed a part of myself, though, that created such a low self image because of the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend, and I still struggle with poor self-image to this day.

2016 was probably one of the best years for me. I graduated high school and I was moving onto college. Meeting new people and living in a new town just felt like a fresh start for me. Starting cosmetology school was such an exciting time, but soon it turned into, again, doubting myself. As a recovering people pleaser and a 18 year old with self doubts, cosmetology school truly challenged me mentally, physically and emotionally. You are working on the public for free with instructors telling you what you need to do on every single person, which wasn't that bad, until you didn't do something correctly. "This is how you learn." they said. Well, I did learn from those mistakes, but it still made me sometimes doubt myself, thinking "Am I truly doing what I am supposed to be doing? What if I can't please my clients?". Well obviously I stuck with it and graduated, and I am so happy that I did because eight years later, I have achieved my biggest dream, owning my own salon.

My early 20s... full of life, excitement and freedom. I officially started at my first salon job and I was loving it. I loved the guests that sat in my chair and meeting new people. For someone who has always been the shy and quiet one, choosing a career where I needed to be a people person helped me become just that. But I still struggled with who I actually was, what my style was and my personality. I had this thing where if I saw someone who I thought was absolutely beautiful, I would essentially try to style myself like them. I went through a hard punk/heavy rock phase where I had a side shave hairstyle, all I wore was black, and I listened to hard rock and punk music. I met someone during this time where she had the same exact style, and I was a sponge soaking in every little detail of her style. I believe I did this because I had no idea what my own style was, I didn't know who Shonteera was.

Throughout my mid 20s, I found myself more, or what I thought was myself. I found a love for my favorite band "Fleetwood Mac" and my boho/hippie style. I also found a love for working out and becoming a skosh of what some people would call "a gym rat". I would be at the gym sometimes for 2 hours, sometimes longer. It was my happy place for the longest time and it was the highest my self esteem has ever been. Then, something called "exercise dependence" crept into the smallest crevice of my brain and decided to camp out. I started to feel like if I didn't lift a certain amount of weight or my heart rate didn't get high enough, I didn't work out hard enough. Eventually it turned into where if I didn't burn a certain amount of calories, I would be disappointed with myself. I knew that I needed to stop being so hard on myself but a part of me couldn't. Everyone would tell me that I would look amazing and so fit - but that high self esteem that I had? Diminished every single day more and more. My love with the gym eventually turned into a hatred where I stopped going. My body would get severely achy at the end of each day that I would work out like I was getting the worse case of the flu. I was ingesting 350 mg of caffeine every morning - my body was completely shutting down on me. Working out is great for you if you do it in a healthy way, for me it started to get so unhealthy that I went on a 2 year hiatus and it was the best thing I probably could have done for myself at that time. Losing all of that muscle mass didn't really play a good effect on my self esteem either. I would have people constantly comment on how skinny I was to the point where I even had someone ask if I was eating. One thing I have a very strong opinion about after all of this is, NEVER comment on someone's body. I don't care if you mean it in a nice way - things can be taken differently and as women, body image is the subject none of us want to talk about.

Now, here we are. Mid-late 20s, 28 to be exact. So, who is Shonteera Haas today? Well, I am still learning who she is every single day. My 20s have overall taught me so much about myself already that I can't even imagine what Shonteera will be like in her 30s or even 40s. One thing my 20s have taught me is that it's okay to not be where everyone else is in life. The beauty about that, is everyone is "ticking" on a different clock. Your clock will never line up with someone else's. It is okay that I didn't get married in my early 20s like my sisters, and honestly, I'm glad I didn't. I'm okay with being the fun "Auntie Teera" to my 20 nieces and nephews right now, because one day when I am ready, I will give them another cousin to love. I still love Fleetwood Mac endlessly because it reminds me of my parents. I grew up listening to them. My style? Will I ever figure it out? No. Because your style is supposed to change as you age. I still love boho/hippie style; I will probably will 'til my last breath. I also love western style and alternative style. I have also learned that I am beautiful in my own way and I don't need to soak in someone else's style to fit in. At this age, I also found a relationship with the Lord again. I realized that Bible Study and listening to Christian Worship was my peace. He was my peace. Im still learning and growing, but isn't that what life is about? To grow into who you truly want to be?

With all of this being said, I conclude. Nice to meet all of you, my name is Shonteera Haas and I am a business owner, a Fleetwood Mac lover, a boho/western/alt fashionista, a follower of our Lord and unapologetically me.